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To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
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Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Dog...
* If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
* Don't go out without ID.
* Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
* Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
* Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
* Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
* When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
* If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
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How to Photograph Your Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove pup from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place pup in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot, crawl on knees after puppy
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other
10. Get tissue and wipe nose print from lens
11. Take flash from puppy's mouth, throw in trash
12. Put cat outside, peroxide scratch on pups nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get pup's attention by squeaking toy over your head 15. Replace your glasses & check camera for damage
16. Grab pup by scruff of neck and say NO! Outside!
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back on Lazy Boy and resolve to teach pup SIT and STAY first thing in the morning!
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Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours .
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To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
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Ten Things
1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful for me. Remember that before you buy me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me -- it's crucial for my well being.
4. Don't be angry at me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.
5. Talk to me sometimes. Even though I don't understand your words I understand your voice when it's speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will not forget.
7. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones of your hand but that I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me, for being "uncooperative" or "obstinate" or "lazy", ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I am not getting the right food, or I've been out in the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.
9. Take care of me when I get old; you, too, will grow old.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say "I can't bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence". Everything is easier for me if you are there.
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am
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If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
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| I wish I knew the origins of some of these jokes, etc so that I could give proper credit - if anyone knows the authors please let me know and i'll happily give them credit. Thanks! |
